Romantic Calmness

Romantic love is often associated with tempestuous excitement. In fact, love can be like that; but in our current accelerated society, calmness is the new romantic excitement.

Emotions are often compared to storms and fire. They are perceived to be unstable and intense states that represent tempestuous excitement and agitation. A typical characteristic of emotions is their tendency to magnify. This characterization also prevails in descriptions of romantic love. We usually think that ideal love consists of constant excitement and uncompromising emotions.

The above characterizations are essentially true concerning tempestuous emotions. These are intense, focused emotions, which last for a brief period, as emotions are typically temporary states. But there also enduring emotions, which shape our attitudes and behavior in a permanent way, that can continue for a lifetime.

Not all tempestuous emotions can turn into enduring emotions, but romantic love can. Therefore, we can distinguish between romantic intensity and profundity.
Romantic intensity is a snapshot of a romantic experience at a given moment: it refers to the momentary level of passionate, often sexual, desire. It is brief and has no significant development.
Romantic profundity is an ongoing romantic experience that features frequent intensity and enduring romantic experiences that develop and enhance the flourishing of each lover and their relationship. Such love is evaluated mainly by the implementation of meaningful interactions, which involve joint activities and shared emotional experiences.
Time is positive and constitutive for romantic profundity, and destructive for romantic intensity.

Excitement is not necessarily a brief tempestuous feeling involving merely romantic intensity. It can be part of an ongoing profound romantic relationship. If excitement includes the wish to learn and to be more involved with someone, we have to assume that time can increase excitement. Hence, we can speak about profound, long-term excitement that also involves briefer states of intense desire. Thus, we can make a distinction between superficial, tempestuous excitement and profound, calm excitement.

Calmness is an overall feeling in which agitation is absent. Whereas calmness is free of negative elements such as agitation, turmoil, nervousness, disturbance or distress, it does not necessarily mean being passive or lacking positive action or excitement; it is, indeed, an essential element of profound, intrinsic activities that are constitutive of the agent's flourishing. Because profound calmness is associated with intrinsic strength, it is extremely powerful and stabilizing.

Maturity seems to act counter to novelty and excitement. Young people are considered to be more emotional than older people. Short-term romantic intensity is typically caused by extrinsic novel change, while long-term profound love is based upon an intrinsic development of the familiar. At the center of the former, there is disorderly excitement; at the center of the latter, there is calmness (peacefulness, serenity), which may involve profound excitement. Maturity is associated with the latter.

There seems to be a common assumption that happiness declines with age, but it has been found to be untrue. Research, indeed, indicates that older people are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives than younger people are. One possible explanation is that when we realize that our years are numbered, we change our perspective and tend to focus on positive current experiences. In these circumstances, our emotional experiences are more likely to consist of calmness rather than tempestuous excitement.

The experience of profound love consists of meaningful intimate activities, which develop the flourishing of each lover as well as their togetherness.
Profundity is often associated with complexity. To love someone profoundly involves a comprehensive attitude that recognizes the rich, meaningful and complex nature of the beloved.
A superficial attitude toward someone is to perceive the person in a simplistic and partial manner, ignoring the deeper characteristics of the person. Romantic profundity counteracts the loss of intensity that would otherwise occur with time. When love is profound, romantic activities can be calm and yet exciting.
Romantic calmness is associated with the profound trust prevailing in the loving relationship; the excitement derives from the feeling of developing and getting the best out of oneself and one's partner.

In our restless society, which is based upon speed and efficiency, we are flooded with superficial excitement. The superficial road looks more attractive and appears to offer more opportunities. However, searching for peaks of passion may leave you lonely.
The Internet makes the connection between people faster and less profound, thereby significantly decreasing the possibility of romantic profundity and increasing the problem of loneliness. And loneliness is not generated by lack of social connections, but by lack of meaningful, profound social connections.

We do not have to deny the value of tempestuous, exciting experiences, which are often very enjoyable. In fact, there is a trade-off between superficial excitement and romantic profundity; however, this is not a trade-off between intense excitement and the absence of excitement. Rather, our choice is between sporadic, brief states of superficial excitement and an ongoing experience of profound excitement.
To be happier these days, we do not need extra superficial exciting experiences. Instead, we need the ability to establish, maintain, and enhance profound calm excitement.

This article is an edited version of this one.