Vertigo

Alan Wilder, formerly of Depeche Mode, one of my favorite bands, started a band named Recoil in 1986.

In 2000, Recoil released "Liquid", an experimental electronica album that features a song titled "Vertigen" ("Vertigo" in Catalan). The song was written and narrated by Rosa Torras. It features some chanting by my beloved Diamanda Galas.

These are the original lyrics:

Aquell matí em vaig llevar. No recordo on ni tan sols el temps que fa. I tot havia canviat. Però jo no ho sabia encara. I més m'hagués valgut no saber-ho mai. El meu món era petit, però suficient, abans. Deixà de ser-ho. La meva vida: un cel particular, nul·la incertesa, dolça soledat.

Més tard: cau soterrat, previsibilitat maleïda, asfixiant aïllament. Mai res m'havia fet tanta falta. Ni la sang que per les venes em corre no necessitava amb la mateixa urgència. Mentre el dolor creixia, de sobte, aquell soroll estrepitós, insuportable. Cridant, plorant, vaig córrer.

Era incapaç de sentir els meus crits, de segur esgarrifosos. De sobte, l'abisme s'obrí sota els meus peus. Morir volia, recuperar el meu cau, la meva estimada soledat, els meus llimbs, la meva preuada illa. I vaig caure. Queia, sentint-me cada vegada més prop d'aquell horror, del meu propi dolor, del més terrorífic despertar dels meus sentits, tot just acabat de descobrir.

Ja no recordo quan va ser que vaig despertar aquell fatídic matí, aleshores salvador. No recordo quan fa que estic caient, que caic, veient la fi més propera cada vegada, però amb la incertesa de si mai arribarà. Ara el dolor sembla no tenir límits. El dolor i la por són tot el que sento. Tinc por de caure per sempre.

And this is my translation to English:

I woke up that morning. I don't remember where, nor how long ago. And everything had changed. But I didn't know it yet. And I wish I never knew. Before, my world was small, but enough. That ceased. My life: a private heaven, no uncertainty, sweet solitude.

Later: a buried shelter, cursed sureness, suffocating isolation. Nothing had ever felt so needful. Not even the blood that runs through my veins, I didn't need it so urgently. While the pain was growing, suddenly, that thunderous noise, unbearable. Shouting, crying, I ran.

I was incapable of feeling my own screaming, creepy for sure. Suddenly, the abyss broke under my feet. I wanted to die, get my shelter back, my beloved solitude, my limbo, my appraised island. And I fell. I was falling, feeling closer and closer to that horror, to my own pain, to the most terrifying awakening of my senses, that I had just discovered.

I don't remember anymore when I woke up that fateful morning, salvation back then. I don't remember when I started falling, for how long I'm falling, while I see the end closer and closer, but not knowing for sure if it will ever come. Now pain seems to have no limits. Pain and fear are all I feel. I am afraid to be falling forever.

You can listen to it here.

Read this post in Catalan.